The sharpness of the pain...the bitter taste left in your mouth...the dark, dark places that race through your mind. You feel as if you're fighting a battle everyday to stay alive. But you feel yourself slowly slipping under the immense waves that seem to crash down on you everyday called life. You flash back to the day it all happened, back to the day where you wish you would've realized that your life would never ever be the same if you made that move. Sure you can think it may have hit you days ago or weeks ago but sometimes it doesn't truly hit you until that one morning when you look in the mirror to put your makeup on and you see a reflection in the mirror looking back at you and that's when you start. That's when you feel the pain in the pit of your stomach and you just start sobbing harder than you've ever sobbed before and it gets to the point where you don't know if you'll ever be able to stop in time to get ready. When you question if you'll be able to pull yourself together. You're absolutely terrified at what you just saw in your bedroom mirror. "Why am I scared?" you ask yourself. And then that's when the words finally come out of your mouth, that's when you're forever changed because you know deep down you're about to admit to yourself what you've already known way deep down inside of you for weeks. Suddenly it all becomes surreal because for some reason finally saying those words out loud makes it seem so much more serious and permanent. You know that when you finally say these words there's no turning back. You swallow those tears and the back of your throat starts to hurt and then you softly speak the words as you look in the mirror at the terrifying reflection. You say.. "I don't know that girl anymore". And then you start to wonder how it could be possible for you to not be the same person you always used to be. To feel like you're in someone else's body every single second of every single day. You're just tired. Tired of pretending and tired of faking it. You lost who you used to be and you're scared to admit you'll never be that same person ever again for as long as you should live. The change has happened and you realize that you're way past saving now. For nine weeks you've been living a lie. But the only person you've been lying to is yourself. So you turn away from your mirror and you face your room. As you look around all you see are memories and the pain starts again in the pit of your stomach and your eyes start to get wet again. And one by one, posters come down, things start to get put in boxes, photos get torn, you start to redesign your safest haven and you hope that by getting rid of the memories you'll start to feel better. But even after the final box gets taken to the garage you still feel that empty feeling inside of you and your heart still aches and the tears still continue to pour out of your eyes like Niagara Falls. And you realize that no torn down posters or empty picture boards will ever help you forget. He's still on your mind, she's still on your mind, the two people you loved more than anything in the world are still on your mind. And you start to tremble and shake and the sobbing continues because you realize that they are never going to leave your head. And that is what really, really terrifies you.
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