Fate ..?

Ever since freshman year there has been an "us". To be honest i've never fully understood it. We're so messy, we're so complicated. We've always been messy and complicated ever since the first day we met. Not one thing about us has ever been easy. It was always the wrong timing, one of us didn't feel the same, or something just came along and fucked it up. But no matter what has happened since 2011 we always come back to each other. No matter what. And when we reconnect it's like nothing ever changed. We pick back up right where we left off. I used to be head over heels for you for the longest time and we just never happened like i wanted us to. And tonight i lay in my bed thinking about everything that has happened to us and everything that we have gone through and i am just amazed. I'm a little bit in shock too because i'm finally figuring out that maybe, just maybe, we are meant to be. I always used to think so but then one day i stopped. I just gave up on us and the idea because i never ever thought you would feel the same. I'm sorry i gave up on us. But maybe we needed time apart, maybe we needed to be without each other. I let you go a while ago thinking that if it was meant to be you'd come back. And now you're back. But i still feel like you haven't figured it out. But i feel like you're slowly starting to. Something about this time around just feels different. Maybe its because we both changed this year or maybe its because we're a little bit older than we were months ago. I just know that i honestly and genuinely care about you. I always have. I accept you for who you are. Everyone has imperfections and flaws but i just happen to adore yours. Do you annoy me sometimes with the way you are? Yes, but that would never push me away or change my feelings for you. I know i probably annoy you too, that's just part of it. I am willing to take on the unkown with you. I can promise you that no matter what we go through and no matter what obstacles get thrown in our faces, i will stand right next to you through it all holding your hand. The funny thing is, looking back on our history, i have always been by your side supporting you. I stood in the stands cheering you on almost the whole season. I've seen you at your best and i've seen you at your worst. And the same is true if you flip the tables. We are close. I love you and i have always loved you and i don't see that ever changing. Without ever really knowing it, you have become my first love. And i'm 99.9% sure we are meant to be. 

Dark

I think it's coming back again and i don't know how to feel about it. The pattern is too familiar. Spending my days off in bed all day and trying to sleep as much as i can to escape my reality. Only this time around i think i feel it more. I can't get him out of my head. And this time it isn't just one person. I'm starting to think of a million other reasons on why i'm this way. Nothing is helping. The only thing that could possibly help i don't have anymore.   I just don't know how much more i can take or how much more i can lose before i really just start over. I know eventually i'm finally going to. But i'm stuck until the spring of 2015. I just feel like im suffocating sometimes.