Fate ..?

Ever since freshman year there has been an "us". To be honest i've never fully understood it. We're so messy, we're so complicated. We've always been messy and complicated ever since the first day we met. Not one thing about us has ever been easy. It was always the wrong timing, one of us didn't feel the same, or something just came along and fucked it up. But no matter what has happened since 2011 we always come back to each other. No matter what. And when we reconnect it's like nothing ever changed. We pick back up right where we left off. I used to be head over heels for you for the longest time and we just never happened like i wanted us to. And tonight i lay in my bed thinking about everything that has happened to us and everything that we have gone through and i am just amazed. I'm a little bit in shock too because i'm finally figuring out that maybe, just maybe, we are meant to be. I always used to think so but then one day i stopped. I just gave up on us and the idea because i never ever thought you would feel the same. I'm sorry i gave up on us. But maybe we needed time apart, maybe we needed to be without each other. I let you go a while ago thinking that if it was meant to be you'd come back. And now you're back. But i still feel like you haven't figured it out. But i feel like you're slowly starting to. Something about this time around just feels different. Maybe its because we both changed this year or maybe its because we're a little bit older than we were months ago. I just know that i honestly and genuinely care about you. I always have. I accept you for who you are. Everyone has imperfections and flaws but i just happen to adore yours. Do you annoy me sometimes with the way you are? Yes, but that would never push me away or change my feelings for you. I know i probably annoy you too, that's just part of it. I am willing to take on the unkown with you. I can promise you that no matter what we go through and no matter what obstacles get thrown in our faces, i will stand right next to you through it all holding your hand. The funny thing is, looking back on our history, i have always been by your side supporting you. I stood in the stands cheering you on almost the whole season. I've seen you at your best and i've seen you at your worst. And the same is true if you flip the tables. We are close. I love you and i have always loved you and i don't see that ever changing. Without ever really knowing it, you have become my first love. And i'm 99.9% sure we are meant to be. 

Dark

I think it's coming back again and i don't know how to feel about it. The pattern is too familiar. Spending my days off in bed all day and trying to sleep as much as i can to escape my reality. Only this time around i think i feel it more. I can't get him out of my head. And this time it isn't just one person. I'm starting to think of a million other reasons on why i'm this way. Nothing is helping. The only thing that could possibly help i don't have anymore.   I just don't know how much more i can take or how much more i can lose before i really just start over. I know eventually i'm finally going to. But i'm stuck until the spring of 2015. I just feel like im suffocating sometimes. 

Rattled

I am my own person. I make my own decisions. The keyword is "I". Me, myself and I. I am independent and i will continue to be. It is my decision on who i want to date. Where i want to live. What i want to major in. Where i want to go. If people are going to try to tell me how to live my life, it is only going to backfire in their faces. I understand that everyone has a right to their own opinion but enough is enough. There is such thing as "crossing the line". If you are scared that i'm going to make the same mistakes you made or you don't want to see me leave and be far away from you then honestly just shut the hell up. Your words and your opinions that you constantly shove down my throat, are only gonna make me want to move farther and farther away. By you basically saying that i'm "being stupid" or that my dreams are too unrealistic, is only going to make me work harder at them. I want to prove you wrong. I will prove you wrong. I control my life. You helped me when i needed help and when i wasn't capable to do things on my own but enough is enough. I can't call you up when im 21 and ask you to drive me to the mall because the roads are icy. So let me learn now. When i meet "the guy" and he asks me to marry him and i say yes i'm not going to run home and ask you if it's okay. In order for me to become the woman you always say you want me to be i need to learn things by myself. I need to make mistakes. Sometimes i need to make huge mistakes and messy ones just so i know what doesn't work and what does. And you just need to let me. You need to just be on standby with a box of tissues or cartons of icecream. You need to start believing in me so that i don't feel completely on my own here. I do believe in myself and i always will. That will never change. But if you want to be apart of my life in a couple years then seriously start listening to me. Actually listening. Take in everything im saying and put yourself in my shoes. Sure, you might be right that you know better than me because you were 17 once but you got to live it and learn it so now i need to. 

J

You say you want me to be happy rather than sitting around wasting time waiting for you to get off of work. You say you feel awful that you have no time for me. So your solution is to "set me free". In a way it's cute. It's cute because you aren't being selfish and you are thinking about my feelings and you think you are doing what is best for me. But you're wrong. Us no longer being an us will not make me happy. It will make me the complete opposite. Miserable. I'd rather get all ready everyday hoping to see you and then getting bummed out if i don't. You make me happy. It hasn't even been two weeks but i'm already addicted. I want you. I want you in every way. Right now is a hard time for you? Well guess what, i'm here for you and that isn't going to change. You may not want me involved because you don't want to put your problems on me but it's too late because the minute i held your hand while walking in the snow it was a done deal. I fell for you. Maybe i fell way too hard way too fast but oh well. Sometimes the best love stories happen that way. I can't help the way i feel. I want to be here for you and with you and i want to work this out. School is hard and you need to focus? Then just call me ms. Tutor. I get it. Sometimes life gets way too hard to handle and sometimes it feels like you're suffocating. But i will do whatever i can to help you or do whatever to make this work. I like you and i'm tired of saying "goodbye" so i'm not letting another good thing walk away again. Something about you and me feels right and something about you makes me happy. So i'm in. 

Maria

Today is your birthday. You're 17 and it's killing me to not be able to send you a huge happy birthday txt and stop by your house with your gift. Everyday i miss you. Everyday i wish i could tell you something. Everyday i think about all the times we had and everyday i wonder how it all ended up like this. But you're happy. Or at least you seem like it. It was all my fault anyways.. So i can't really be mad at anyone but myself. Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday somewhere. You're truly so strong and independent and beautiful and you were such an amazing friend. I love you braj, happy birthday<3

Sex

It starts with the eyes. Eyes can speak for you when your lips cant find the right words. His bedroom eyes did all the talking most of the time. We could be doing nothing but just sitting there but the minute our eyes met, in those very sacred moments, we spoke to each other without words. Our feelings poured out of our eyes without us even having to tell each other. Some eyes you can't read.. But his eyes, those i could read just fine. In our wildest moment, his eyes confessed his feelings for me and it was in that moment that i knew i truly loved him. I had already known i was falling in love with him but that moment warned me that the falling was over and if i continued it could be dangerous. But i liked the danger. It fascinated me. I saw a hint of danger everytime i looked into his immense chocolate eyes. Then comes the touch. There's the touch that sends chills up and down your spine while giving you goosebumps at the same time. I was familiar with that type of touch because anytime he would even lay a finger on me my body would shiver. Then there was the touch that felt warm, the touch that had you feeling fire all over your body as if it was a sign of the sparks  you two had igniting. I felt both chills and fire that day. Next is the hug. The hug that's most important is the one we always wound up giving. The tight hug that lasts for more than ten seconds, the one that you feel so safe in, feeling like you're wrapped in your favorite blanket. The kiss. The sweet, slow, careful kiss. Laying there, wrapped in his muscular and secure arms, you meet his brown eyes, you smile, he smiles as his eyes seem to say "i feel it too", he lowers his head so his forhead touches yours, you peck his lip softly, holding his lips with yours, a few seconds go by, you let his lips go, open your eyes, and once again those deep brown eyes look into yours. You smile, he smiles. Your eyes say "i'm madly in love with you" and his seem to say "i know and i love that you love me". Next, you both commit the sweetest but most risky crime of all. Sex. And to think it all started with one quick glance. 

D.D.

I seriously miss you. I miss you. And only you. Yes, i miss your txts, i miss the way you say my name or how you have that cute nickname for me. I miss the way we used to just lay on my bed and cuddle. Or just sitting in your car saying nothing. I miss your touch. Even though your hands were rough and dry they still felt so amazing and percect on my skin. I miss your dark brown pieces of hair that were left on my pillow when you would leave. I miss your sarcasm. I miss the way you made me feel like i was somewhat special. I miss how crazy our "relationship" was. Nothing great ever comes easy. We had just as many downs as we had ups. Kissing you was like being able to taste all my dreams and feel them all coming true. The rush was just..simply amazing... It felt so unreal and there are truly no words to describe it. I've never been so open and honest with my feelings. With you i let every guard down, i acted absolutley reckless with my heart. Do i regret that? Sometimes. But only on nights like these. Nights where all i can think about is you. Nights when you're the one i want to run to. But deep down i know i lost you last winter break. Christmas day to be exact. The guy i fell in love with is long gone. Maybe i shoul've spoken up sooner. I was just too late. And sometimes in life that becomes the case. It just feels like a sharp knife in my stomach everytime im in my room and i look at my lacrosse stick because i think of the night you said it was "sick". I wanted you. I truly with all my heart wanted you. I wanted the sweet side of you that you would only let me catch a glimse of every once in a while, i wanted the asshole side of you. I wanted the not so innocent side of you. I wanted the funny side of you, all the silly things you would say that only made me laugh so hard and fall ten times harder for you. I wanted the competetive side of you. I wanted the ambitious side of you, you knew exactly what you wanted and that always made you seem even sexier in my eyes. I wanted every side of you and i still do. We've gone through so much together and i really hate that it all might be officially over. In August you showed me that the guy i once fell so hard in love with still might be around somewhere deep down inside of you and i don't want to let him go just yet. I would do anything to be your everything. And i just miss you. And i love you and i hate admitting that. Sound familiar? You've made me say that before and here i am months later saying it again. I wish i could actually tell you all of these things but i just cant. In order for this ever to work i need you to have the same realization i had months ago and the one i still have almost every single day. There isn't a day that goes by where i don't replay all of our memories together over and over in my head. I love you. I loved you once, always have, always will.